Self-indulgent Feeling of sadness
Many people tend to think that insecurity comes from something their family said or did. But, the reality is most insecurity comes from within. Insecurity is a feeling that triggers your ego arousing mental uneasiness.
The feeling can start early in life with an insecure attachment to your parents, past traumas, negative experiences, or can develop after being rejected or hurt by someone you care about. Insecurities are nurtured when you negatively compare yourself to other people and harshly judge yourself with critical inner dialogues.
We all have such feelings whirling in our minds. Irrational thoughts and fears like you are not good enough, you don’t have possessions, you will not be OK without a partner or family, you will never find anyone better or you are not truly lovable to cause damage to your intimate relationships. Some of them are short-term but most of them stick to us penetrating chronic insecurity. These feelings can push us away from enjoying a social life. Although it’s quite normal to have feelings of insecurity for a while, chronic insecurity can deliberately obstruct your success in life.
For instance, when I was five years old, my mother delivered a baby boy in our family. I was happy to receive a baby brother in my life because my mother claimed he would be my best friend forever. One day, an aunt from the neighborhood visited us. She looked at my brother and then, told me that he would get my share of love, care, and affection from my parents. In the coming days, I would be replaced and he would rule among the family. Her words disturbed my mind even though I was too young to understand worldly matters.
I observed my parents providing complete attention to my brother. I saw them nourishing him all the time. This produced a fear of abandonment, hatred towards family, and a lack of sense of belongingness in me. I feared whether my parents would lose interest in me. I was scared that my brother would replace me. I doubted whether they would treat me indifferently. These were all self-doubt of a time. But it continued. Because I didn’t stop thinking about those feelings I had. Consequently, it built a house somewhere in the corner of my thought-process evolving in the form of insecurity.
It was in 2006. Our school started basketball training for selected students. Interested students had to submit a guardian's consent paper to compete in the training. I insisted on playing basketball with my parents. After a week, they agreed on signing the contract with an utterance that a girl can never reach the height of a boy no matter how much she hops. I was compared with a boy. I was judged incompetent than a boy. The judgment stroked on my self-esteem. We had a coach who was also a boy. He used to train us no less than the boys' team. We had equal exercise time as well as practice. But every time when girls were on the ground, people were judging us on the basis of our gender. That experience induced questioning my sense of self-identity.
Back in 2011, I had an accident. The accident turned my life around. I was hospitalized for months. And my psychosocial condition was traumatized. At the hospital, I pretended to be normal as I saw similar people like me. While at home, my mental condition was ruined and troubled by the physical condition of my body. I couldn’t step out of my bed. I couldn’t play basketball again. My school life had stopped. No members from the school visited me to sympathize. I wondered what the community people might be gossiping about me. I visualized my school friends mocking at my condition. My best friend abandoned me in misery. My parents went bankrupt and they had to sell their home to fulfill my treatment and proper recovery.
For three years, I spent every day in a nightmare. I was left alone in a room. The only people I saw were my parents and brother. No people visited me or showed concern for what had happened. Perhaps everyone was confined with their own circumstances. Or they didn’t care. In fact, it seemed people never cared. And this aroused a feeling of insecurity preventing myself from social functions.
One after another, the series of unpleasant experiences gave life to anxiety or insecurities. Nightmares were common for me to happen anytime even during day time. I felt upset and disturbed unnecessarily. I had eating disorders resulting in constipation. My condition caused distress that kept me from falling back to sleep easily. I was scared, anxious, angry, sad, or disgusted in minor issues. These feelings pushed me away from my family relationships. Moreover, I also felt difficulty in trusting people. I hardly made friends or mingled with colleagues. I couldn't pursue any kind of relationships. The horror of being deserted uplifted me to discard persons I was with.
Then, one day I heard the word 'insecurity' from one of my friends. He shared how his girlfriend made him feel insecure in the relationship. I wanted to know more about it. Definitely not interested in his relationship, it is the term which triggered me. After researching the insecurity problem, I realized that I am also a victim of insecurity leading to depression. And so, I decided to overcome it.
In order to resolve the problem, I researched similar experiences or read related articles. I counseled with psychologists. The common tips suggested to me was I should notice that sinking feeling of insecurity to combat them.
The kind of childhood experiences I had, past traumas, the experience of rejection and judgments, loneliness, social anxiety, negative beliefs about myself, having a critical parent, or a fantasy of perfectionism contributed to insecurities in my life. My confidence became silent. On the contrary, anxiety was forceful. And I failed to realize this feeling has been installing inside myself. I found myself feeling filled with self-doubt and short on confidence. Despite some accomplishments, I felt like a fraud destined to be exposed. I felt I didn’t deserve good friendship, lasting love, and affection. I stayed at home, totally hesitant to venture out and meet new people because I didn’t feel I had enough to offer them. I felt overweight, boring, stupid, and guilty looking at one’s own circumstances. I built a great wall in my life.
This feeling of insecurity sabotaged not only my mind but also, influenced my intimate relationships. I behaved like a depressed elephant whose behavior and actions are uncontrollable irrespective of time and place. I had embarrassed myself many times unaware of how I was performing. I had disregarded some prominent persons in my life.
I provided myself time to heal and adapt to the new normal. I reached out to the family for distraction and comfort. Intense self-focus was avoided by focusing on other things. Maintaining my sense of self-identity, taking care of my needs for personal well-being, encouraging interests and hobbies, financial independence, and having self-improvement goals were my key priorities.
At the same time, it was equally important for me to understand everyone brings different qualities and strengths. If the other person doesn’t appreciate what you have to offer, that’s his or her loss. However, trying to feel good by getting approval from others is a losing situation. I understood that when your well-being depends on someone else, you give all of your power. So, I began trusting myself not to hide my feelings but to ensure my needs were met and also that I won’t lose my sense of self-identity. In this way, my perspective has changed and the feeling of insecurity minimised.
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